


Another Endless Story

by LeeRaeGun7



Category: K-pop, Korean Drama
Genre: Drama, Friendship, Kdrama, Korean Characters, Multi, Romance, show
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-09
Updated: 2018-01-09
Packaged: 2019-03-02 19:24:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13324860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeeRaeGun7/pseuds/LeeRaeGun7





	Another Endless Story

I open a new page and write down :  
" I want to keep my name a secret, as this is personal, so I will simply call myself the protagonist. I'm a girl who just turned 20 years old but feels like I've already lived 50 years. The moment I wake up, I already think about what will happen today, what is it that will go wrong ? What will I mess up this time ? It's weird to have those thoughts the minute I open my eyes.  
During autumn and winter, my mood goes down. I don't really know the reason why I am like this. I've always been pretty different from people around me, I've always had that strong personality, yet unable to describe which kind of personality it is. I've always found myself a little bit weird. As I looked at people around me, at school, I never could relate to any of them. Were they children my age, teenagers or even teachers. I just had to learn to hide my brain and thoughts, as they were different from others, I had to fit in, and I did it pretty well.  
I've always been scared of going outside, to do something new. I remember crying whenever I had to go to the dentist, not because I was afraid of needles, but simply because of the amount of wrong things that could happen to me on the way to the dentist.  
As I grew up, this fear became stronger. It mixed itself with some incomprehension, the fear of getting old too fast, having to figure out everything, and becoming an adult.  
Now I feel like people expect so much from me, just because I am not a child anymore. I can no longer hide behind my parents, or use the excuse of my young age. I have to take responsabilities. And that is frightning. 

I remember screaming how much I wanted to grow old, how much I couldn't wait to move out, be on my own and independant, study what I love and do a dream job in a dream house with a gorgeous boyfriend. I really had that picture in mind, me in a perfect outfit, wearing high heels, cooking diner, having my boyfriend come over, waking up the next morning to the sound of the birds, the sun on my face, going to university with my laptop and a red lip. 

If only I had known. This makes me laugh out loud now. I'm always wearing super comfortable jogging, I wash my hair when I have the time and the will to do so. I do study what I love, but also things that I don't and it's a pain in the ass when it's exams, I can not sleep. I eat noodles for breakfast, lunch and diner, and I've been single all my life. Oh and that beautiful house turns out to be a one room apartment, where half of it is messed up because of leakage. And I live in a noisy poluted city where the sun shows up once a year.  
I guess I watched way too many movies as a kid. 

Oh, my bad, I forgot the most important subject that I got completely wrong. The minute I entered high school, as I met new friends I remember those words clearly coming out of that stupid mouth of mine : "If you're still a virgin at twenty years old isn't there something wrong with you ? I know I would never go to college if I still hadn't had sex."  
I want to slap me in the face.  
What a joke.  
I can't believe it was actually me saying this.  
As I learned more about the game of seduction in high school, I discovered a very dangerous war zone. I thought falling in love, gaining experience was an easy task. You meet someone you like, you confess and it's done. But how much more complicated is it. It's like walking on a mine field, every step is dangerous, and if you walk on the wrong path you are done. And it will take you a while to recover.  
Being rejected, being played like a fool, being kept aside, being friendzoned, there is so much more to this. And I didn't expect my heart to get broken as much as it did. So I gave up on trying love. When a guy approaches me, my mind tells me they've got bad thoughts and are trying to play me, so I runaway.  
I ended up entering college without any experience in the romantic domaine. All I know about romance is what I see in the hundred kdramas I watch. But this doesn't stop my lonely heart from having crushes on whoever gives me attention. It does not stop my brain from creating these endless plots of what could happen if...

So sometimes, I wonder if this is what it feels like to grow up and become an adult. Is it supposed to be this complicated and confusing ? Why is the loneliness I feel so important ?  
And, the question I ask myself daily : am I the only one like this ?  
This world is so complicated.  
I wish I was born in another era, in a completely different country."

Let's close this page, it frustrates me even more to write down my worries. It makes me feel like I've got nothing in control.  
Let's just not think about it anymore, it's easier this way.  
My neighbor gets home, she slaps the door loudly, as always, opens up her mail box and go upstairs. The water is boiling, I eat my ramen and set my environment perfectly. Tonight is THE night. It's one of those exciting nights I look forward to.  
I have a blancket on my legs, water by my side, food on the table, the lightning is perfect.  
This is the final episode of the new drama I am addicted to. 

Right in the middle of it, the minute before they catch the criminal and put him in jail, my phone rings up.  
"Yeobosaeyo ?"  
"Nae, yeobosaeyo ? Nugusaeyo ?" I reply.  
The man replies in a very quick pace that he's a manager and I've passed the first part of the interview for their special show. I try to explain that I've never applied for any show, but he doesn't listen.  
"Another busy ahjussi who doesn't really listen..." I think to myself.  
I note down the address he indicates, along with some informations. Another (the last) interview takes place this staurday at 8 a.m, in a café, in front of the company's building. This interview will be about my personality and the reasons why I applied.  
I don't have the time to ask him what kind of job they're offering, he already hang up.

The rest of the week goes by as the previous one. I try to go out as much as possible to enjoy the streets of Seoul, but the crowds frighten me. I never stay out long. University is as difficult, teachers are as rigorous and my classmates are as cold.  
I meet my friend on wednesday afternoon. We spend some time talking about the ending of the kdrama, about our new favorite songs,...It's amazing how time goes by so fast when I'm in her company. I can't even tell what we talk about, but we never stop. There's never a moment of awkward silence.  
"Will you go ?" she asks, placing her hands underneath her chin and giving me that look. She wants me to go.  
"I don't know..." I reply in a low deep voice.  
"It might be for an interesting job ! What if it's something that will turn your life upside down ?" she says quacking.  
"I like my life as it is, I don't want it to be turned upside down." I reply.  
"I know you like it being calm and static...but don't you want something different ?"  
"Different is scary, you know how I am."  
"But once you try it, you usually end up loving it !"  
"You have a point." I say, sipping on my hot chocolate.  
"I'll go with you." she says, her mind is made up.  
"But..." I start and stop. I know her, it's too late. She is decided to go with me. I'll just pray for an illness to show up, or an accident, like falling in the stairs. This never happens to me, even when I need it the most.

Saturday comes by quicker than ever. My anxiety takes possession of every cell in my brain and body, making me act like another person. My soul, the true me is above my head, looking at my body acting on its own.  
I see my hands packing my bag, reading some answers I prepared in case... I see myself answering a phone call, taking the bus, trying to control my breathing, scratching my hands, drying off the sweat.  
I then see my friend from far, walking towards my body with a big smile. I see her hands resting on my shoulders, her lips forming words of encouragement that I do not hear. And very quickly I see my feet taking my body inside that café. My eyes stop on an interviewer raising a hand and pronouncing my name.  
Finally, my soul is back inside my body.  
I sit down, put my bag on the side and start answering a few easy questions.  
"What do you like doing in your free time ?" asks a beautiful woman dressed in a simple black dress.  
"Nothing very special honestly, I watch kdramas, listen to music, write a little, and do some yoga if I feel like I need it.". She nods as her hair get stuck in her circular earrings. She smiles gently and ask another question.  
As I promised myself, I do not invent anything, I stay true to who I am and try to reply calmly.  
When the time is right I allow myself to dare and : "May I ask what exactly the job will be about ?"  
She looks at me quite surprised, but doesn't seem bothered to explain that : "You will be with a group of other girls, we don't know how many yet. You'll be living in an apartment or a house together for a certain amount of time, and your lives will be exposed to the public. Just like a tv show. We want to document the lives of girls your age whom live in today's society. You'll also have some occasions to attend shows, interviews and meet other people.". I stay in my sitted position, eyes wide open, mouth closed, kind of in shock, and kind of positively surprised.  
This actually looks fun.  
I suddenly have the will to pass this interview.  
I want to see my life become different. I want something to happen to me.  
I no longer want to spend nights alone watching kdramas, wearing the same pajamas, and eating the same thing. I am ready to take the risk and live.


End file.
